Conversation Hearts

Death is for the living
A name to give the dark
A time for forgiving
A bandage for the heart

Grievance cards piled high
They trail like ants along the floor
I guess I need to die
To have friends at my door

Like leaving letters are better
Than a phone call could have been
I guess it’s too hard to ask for
A check-in now and again

But the dead can’t read
And I couldn’t, between the lines
It doesn’t seem real
She must have been terrified

Now there’s cards of confessions
Letters of lies
Bouquets of concession
As if to rectify

That you didn’t reach out
Muffled her shouts

They were so loud
It was lousy to think
That she’d come around
She’s just out of sync

A word or two
Could have saved a life
She had loved you
As she did the knife

So, you can eat your conversation hearts
The dirt where she sleeps will still be just as dark

City of Sin

The city is asleep
The lanterns send a signal
To unlock the keep

Meet up at the tavern
Knock on the chalkboard

Three times
Echo
Summertime
Bordeaux
Swivel in my glass
Tipple with class

Fluorescent flickers
A single lamp above my head
Fingering the trigger
Ready to cut the thread

I see the ghost of me
Outside, standing at the lantern
But when I turn around
The devil lights a smoke
Asks, “What have you learned?”
With a machete to my throat

He takes the gun from me and
Presses the blade to my skin
He says, “Let’s have some fun.
Let’s make some sins.”

Cut

Can’t cover up the scars
Underneath your hoodie sleeves
Try to hide your arms

Call and text your friends
Utopia consumes you
Time must always end

Counter the bullies
Ugly words still ache and hurt
Trigger up a spree

Cease your existence
Utter tears on your letter
Tell loved ones penance

Create a safe space
Undertaker, I’m ready
Take me from this place

 

(Art credit; self, Jenny Toupin)

Route 560

(Lately I’ve been transforming some of my poetry into memoir style. To read other pieces inspired by true events, check these out: Cake & Why I Am Who I Am. Enjoy!)

At the bus stop
Waiting for route
Five-Sixty

Then my heart drops
When the man in a suit
Pulls up to me

I look to my dress
And know what he sees
But I was depressed
I was going to therapy

Not a care
If I lived or died
I dared myself
To take that ride

It was the perfect chance
Because I failed at suicide
And with assistance
Would it be the day I died?

My stare was dead
As I shut the door
Nothing in my head
Nothing scares me anymore

He rubbed my thigh
I wished he’d hurry
I wanted to die
I saw his worry

He quickly retracts
My sorrow returns
He asks where to drop me off at
I tell him to take a turn

That I’m headed to therapy
I pretend I’m unfazed
But inside I’m angry
I dreamt of malaise

He stopped at my stop
And gave me a twenty
Looked around for cops
Then left in a hurry

Guilty

He said it’s cancer
He’s dying
Why would he
Be lying about that

Said she’s a liar
I’m crying
Why would she
Be lying about that

That home is with her
And your dad
Is alright
You say he’s not better

Put me in the gaslight spotlight

You moved far away
You said it’d
Be three months
‘Til Daddy’s in the grave

But all this time he was okay

Then you got sick too
Speak barely
Once a week
Every day I try to

Tell me a story
That you need
Surgery
Disappear for a week

I thought you were dead
Head spinning
About the
Tumor that’s in your head

We spoke once this month
Slurry words
Curious
How long did you practice?

You string me along
You shatter
Me slowly
Tell me nothing matters

Suicide dreamer
I see you
Dance with death
Taunt me to go with you

At least when you lied, it was fiction
I’m in a world I don’t want to be in

This Stockholm syndrome
My blatant
Addiction

Always ran away
And my veins
They run cold
But the water seems warm

Don’t think you’d let me on the boat
But I don’t want to see you float

A pain in my heart
A black stain
On your brain
Past ripping us apart

And the cause of death
Yet to be
Determined
Never so determined

I say I want free
Suddenly,
You release me
But I can’t let this go

I’d never know the truth about
My life and where it stood
I don’t think I could live without
Having understood

Where was I supposed to be–
Supposed to do when you lied to me?
Tainted blood
Breaks the bond
So why am I still holding on?

I believe anything
That’s spoken from your lips
Broken trust, but not enough
I’m not equipped for this

How to separate
The oil from the water
Soul from the heart

I’ve never met love
But I like to think I did
Love to think I did

Make me feel guilty
Then you expect my pity
Put blood on my hands

You say, “I love you.”
But love is just a haiku
I’m not your breakthrough

Try to rouse my fears
Fill my eyes with tears
But when I don’t react
You get mad and douse the dirt
With gasoline
You say I’m mean

That sea green oasis
Chases me
I’m a goddess
I’m a queen
I’ve built myself up
When you weren’t looking

Solace is Chaos
He is night without the stars
Tearing me apart

 

 

The Dangers Within

He always listens
And holds me close
Carries my burdens
When I’m in repose

When Hypnos arrives
He disappears
For years I’ve wondered
Why he chose me

The Dangers Within

In the silence of sleep
He brushes my hair
Tells me his secrets
Of how he was hurt

Warns me of demons
How they seep in the skin

The Dangers Within

He calls me darling
And I bite my lip
Daring to ask
…If

The Dangers Within

Thoughts loom darker
The days he draws near
But fear is absconded
Wiped clear from the mirror

I stare down my reflection
And wait for his gaze to return
But my fear of rejection
Assumes the worst

The Dangers Within

I cannot contain
The absence of feelings
Candy-coated nightmares
He shares with me
This world is scary

The Dangers Within

He asks to come in
But I step through
The castle he lives in

The Dangers Within

The casket; he built it
Listen to him

The Dangers Within

Listen

Give in To The Dangers Within

Big Easy Jive

Gasoline cocktail
Sugar on the rim
Devil derailed
Sitting in my skin

The band’s playing swing
That Big Easy jive
The stage man sings,
“It’s good to be alive”

Sultry suicide dreams
Dragons with drugs
Why should I scream
When my grave has been dug

Even monsters move
When the beats are laid down
Demons clank hooves
On the merry-go-round